Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I feel myself slipping and I can't seem to catch myself. The nights are getting longer with each hour I stay awake. There are things on my mind but everyone has those times of their lives. Is it fair that I have had those types of nights for over a year now? I want to cry but the tears just don't come. My soul wants to scream in agony, but my body is numb. I am tired but sleep evades me. I love my husband, but I don't want to be near him. I am sad and angry, but don't know what about. I try, but seems that everything I do isn't being done. I ask for help, but no answer comes....am I asking wrong? Am I not hearing what I need to?

7 comments:

Renee' said...

Oh Mary, I'm so sorry. Sleep apnea can be a serious issue. Have you considered getting a referral from the Bishop so you can get some couseling? Maybe only a counselor can weed whatever this is, out of you! I'm here for you, call me anytime!
Love your guts!!

K8 said...

mary, do you have anxiety? I have a lot of it so I take anti-depressants for it. I feel so much better. I sleep so soundly. Maby a doctor could help. I know it's hard hearing me trying to solve your problem, I'm just trying to help. I know being a mother is so hard. It's so much work and there's always something going on. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort. I know preisthood blessings always help me to calm down and then dircet me in which way to go. Call me if you would like to talk. love, Kate

Brenda said...

I am sorry to read this post too. I think the advice that both Renee and Kate gave you are both really good. Since I only know you through Renee, I feel I don't know all that is truly going on but wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and hope that by the time you get this comment you are feeling somewhat better. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Jandre said...

I don't know that it maybe sleep apnea, unless, that's what it's been diagnosed as. It may well be insomnia. And as always, just pray, you may not be asking the right questions? Try asking the same one differently? I'm always here for you!

Heather said...

Mary, I am sorry that you are going through this!!! I had a problem sleeping right after I had a close friend commit suicide. I had horrible nightmares. I was a wreak without sleep and it effected every part of my life. It was really hard. Some habits that I had to change were not eating close to bed time, especially sugar, and starches. I had to totally quit caffeine; I am really sensitive to it. And I had to have no distractions right before bed. I tried not to watch Tv cuz that kept me awake. And reading wasn’t much help. I would read and get really tired then lay down and my mind would start running wield again. I also had to force myself to get up in the morning and not lie down or go back to bed. I stopped taking little cat naps during the day when Jaynee would lay down. Try to keep yourself busy. Also I found that if I went to bed, I had to force myself to stay in bed. I also tried to meditate a little bit, I know that sounds crazy, but I would try to totally make my mind blank, and breath really deep. Every time I would feel my mind start to wonder, I would go back and clear it. It took some practice, but it works most the time.

Also I am not a DR. but it sounds like you might be a little depressed, it is still very possible that you could still have a hormone imbalance from having your last baby. Have you seeked out any kind of medical advice? I hope that you are able to figure something out, sleep is so important to a health body, mind and spirit!!!! Good luck!!!

Kelli said...

I take an anti-depressant too and that helps me stay so much more balanced in my emotions. When you start to feel like you don't have the proper control over your emotions, and that you just can't seem to fix yourself...that is usually a good sign that it is NOT your fault! There is nothing wrong with getting outside help. You want to have a good quality of life you know, and be happy. Nothing wrong with that. My anti-depressant is not a cure-all or a bandaid...I still have hard times, but it helps keep me balanced so much more.

Also, as far as the sleep issue goes...have you tried Melatonin? I have heard that it helps a lot. I know Nicole has taken that and it is a natural thing that your body already produces, so it is not like a sleeping pill.

Love you Mary. Keep us updated on what you decide to do. Just make sure and take care of mommy cause that it super important. "IF MAMA AIN'T HAPPY, AIN'T NOBODY HAPPY!"

lOVE,
KEL

Nicole Campbell said...

Hey babe! Life is hard and feels a million times worse when you get no sleep. I understand your emotions and feelings with all of this. The main problem is that a lack of sleep transfers to frustrations at the house no matter what. Most important you need to know you are not alone. We can tell you all these different things you should try to fix the sleeping thing. But it won't matter unless you decide your situation needs to have something done.

You know that we are all hear and love you more than anything. We are giving ideas and information because we want to see you get better and feel like the Mary we all know and love so much. Life is hard and for some reason it stays harder longer than easier.

Remember you have two amazing children who love you and look up to you because you are their mother. They trust you and expect you to be there to kiss them when they are hurt. Read to them at night and just be the mom they know you to be. And sometimes you loose yourself in that mixture of lives. But you can only lose yourself if you think where you are at is not where you want or are supposed to be.

Your husband loves you dearly to say the least. You are his everything, with out you or the children he wouldn't be where he is today. He wouldn't work hard to allow you the chance to be a mom with the children. And the only reason he doesn't complain is because he sees that what he does is infact a good and helpful thing.

More importantly Mary, you are a mom, wife, sister, best friends, aunt, daughter, sister-in-law, daughter-in-law, primary teacher, and best friend/lover to your husband. As hard as it is to find *you* in all that....take it all away and you are no longer *you*. You are amazing at what you do and how you do it. And you should be proud.

You should lay down at night curl up with your husband and list the things in life that are your own perfections. You are married to a wonderful man, you have two amazing children, you are in contact with a lot of friends who mean the most to you. You could pick up a phone and any of us at any time would help you in any way shape or form we could. And that Mary in itself should allow you to close your eyes and smile. Maybe it will not put you too sleep, but at least it gives you a chance to see who you are, and what you honestly wanted in this life, you have received.

I love you Mean Mary and I am here for you no matter what!!!!!LOVESS YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!