OK, so this is a post that'll prolly make a couple of you roll your eyes, and may get a couple of you angry, or scared of me but, these are just some honest thoughts.
There have been a couple things on my mind lately that I just want to talk about. I know I should just leave something like this for my journal, but I feel like I need to blog this.
Eric and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year now....This is a shock for those of you who are closest to us. With Baeya, we concieved her right away, but with Ethan we had to have drug intervention....I am just so frustrated because it was so easy with Baeya. Our first try and BAM she was on the way. After her my body just quit working. I don't ovulate. My body is taking my eggs hostage. I don't get it. I keep making up excuses for not being pregnant yet, like I need to loose weight first (which is probably true), or we don't want anymore, or something along those lines, but the truth is, I want another baby. I see my friends and neighbors with their babies(and believe me, around here, there are ALOT) and just ache.
I don't feel like I have the right to "whine" either because I know those who have not experienced child birth and want to so badly. I feel like I should just be happy with the children i have and just leave it be. True is though that I can actually feel my spirit aching to bring another child to this world. I now understand more clearly the meaning of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."
The other thing that has bothered me lately is money. No, we are not exactly "struggling" but we are certainly tight. When I got my job it was just to create some mad money, but now it will all be going to bills. Which is fine, but the bills keep adding up. we keep accumilating bills no matter what we do. Just little things here and there and those things just keep adding up. One thing that bothers me is that we are paying a hefty amount per month on tithing. I feel like that money could be better used on catching up on bills. It's hard to see that money go when I don't feel like we are getting the "blessings" that are suppose to come. It's hard when you know a person who doesn't have the same standards as you who doesn't pay tithing, and see them complaining about all the extra money they are getting. They have "too much to know what to do with." It torks my toes!
I don't know, I guess I am just on a spiritual low. It's hard for me because I am doing all the things you are "suppose" to do, but I am just can't shake it. I am not a typical church member; my house isn't clean, my kids don't behave most of the time, I yell at my kids (which I am positive why half of my neighbors don't talk to me), I have different theological ideals than most members, I get angry, I have a past, I have questions...and yet through it all, have a close relationship with Christ. I don't see myself as a bad member.