Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Rantings...a woe is me blog

OK, so this is a post that'll prolly make a couple of you roll your eyes, and may get a couple of you angry, or scared of me but, these are just some honest thoughts.

There have been a couple things on my mind lately that I just want to talk about. I know I should just leave something like this for my journal, but I feel like I need to blog this.

Eric and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year now....This is a shock for those of you who are closest to us. With Baeya, we concieved her right away, but with Ethan we had to have drug intervention....I am just so frustrated because it was so easy with Baeya. Our first try and BAM she was on the way. After her my body just quit working. I don't ovulate. My body is taking my eggs hostage. I don't get it. I keep making up excuses for not being pregnant yet, like I need to loose weight first (which is probably true), or we don't want anymore, or something along those lines, but the truth is, I want another baby. I see my friends and neighbors with their babies(and believe me, around here, there are ALOT) and just ache.

I don't feel like I have the right to "whine" either because I know those who have not experienced child birth and want to so badly. I feel like I should just be happy with the children i have and just leave it be. True is though that I can actually feel my spirit aching to bring another child to this world. I now understand more clearly the meaning of "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

The other thing that has bothered me lately is money. No, we are not exactly "struggling" but we are certainly tight. When I got my job it was just to create some mad money, but now it will all be going to bills. Which is fine, but the bills keep adding up. we keep accumilating bills no matter what we do. Just little things here and there and those things just keep adding up. One thing that bothers me is that we are paying a hefty amount per month on tithing. I feel like that money could be better used on catching up on bills. It's hard to see that money go when I don't feel like we are getting the "blessings" that are suppose to come. It's hard when you know a person who doesn't have the same standards as you who doesn't pay tithing, and see them complaining about all the extra money they are getting. They have "too much to know what to do with." It torks my toes!

I don't know, I guess I am just on a spiritual low. It's hard for me because I am doing all the things you are "suppose" to do, but I am just can't shake it. I am not a typical church member; my house isn't clean, my kids don't behave most of the time, I yell at my kids (which I am positive why half of my neighbors don't talk to me), I have different theological ideals than most members, I get angry, I have a past, I have questions...and yet through it all, have a close relationship with Christ. I don't see myself as a bad member.


Justin, Kalia, & the little nippers said...

Oh, Mary, I feel for you. And you are a fine member I am sure, I happen to yell at my kids and husband too, which I know I need to work on, but it's hard. And it is okay to express your personal struggles with child bearing. The fact that other people have bigger problems doesn't make your pains any less, our first baby took 5 months to conceive, and our second took 10, and I know that is all in the realm of normal and I shouldn't complain either, but each and every period was depressing knowing that we still wouldn't have another baby. I am grateful for the boys I have and my husband, and the gospel, and that the Lord can comfort us. Money struggles are ours too. And it sometimes is hard to see the tithing go out, but it is not something I would question withholding from the Lord even though it definitely shrinks income. I underbudgeted so many of our bills, and we had a month without pay, and a wedding to go to that cost to much money, so I understand the struggle. Good luck with everything, and turn to the Lord in your struggles. He can help, even look to the hymns, I fought with my husband the other day and hitting an alltime low, went begging to the Lord for help, and he answered my prayer through a hymn. I've never had such a direct answer. It was amazing. So, keep pressing forward. Things will be okay. Love, Kalia

April said...

Mary- thank you for your concern with my family and my mom- but it seems like we are all dealing with crap doesn't it? I am sorry about not getting pregnant- so many girls seem to be dealing with this lately and it makes you wonder what Heavenly Father is up to. Just keep up the faith- we are all learning something all the time.

The Staker Family said...

Mary, I am so sorry that you are feeling bad. I have been feeling the same way about money, it is very hard to not be making enough for your bills and still be paying tithing. And I also was in a woe is me mood obviously if you read my blog. Anyway, hang in there and feel free to borrow my baby anytime I know it is not the same and I do understand exactly what you are going through because it is what my mom went through. I am her only child and it tore her up inside, and she also felt like she just didn't fit in. I think you are a wonderful person and friend. I have this terrible habbit of comparing myself to everyone else. I heard this quote "As good as I am today is as bad as I will ever be" I think sometimes we just need to focus on ourselves and making sure we are becoming better each day instead of that we are not up to the level of someone else. I am here for you any time.

Nat said...

Your post really got me thinking. And I don't claim to have THE answers, but I'll just share some of my thoughts with you.

As far as having children go, I've never had to deal with not being able to conceive. But I've seen other women go through that problem, and my heart aches for them, because I know what a joy and a blessing having children is. I don't know if you've talked to a doctor or anthing about some options, but hang in there; the Lord has his own timing and plans for us.

Yelling at your, I'm a fellow yeller. There are days that I feel that the only thing coming out of my mouth is shouting. Some days are harder than others, some kids are harder than others. I wanted to put my two-year-old up for adoption yesterday because he was driving me insane! Again, hang in there. And sometimes, when I want to yell and scream, I instead stop myself, close my eyes for a second, and look and my little innocent ones, and end up hugging them and kissing them instead. They don't (necessarily) do things on purpose to make our lives harder or worse, and I couldn't imagine my life without any of them. Your daughter and son are just so dang cute, by the way.

Money...I think the majority of our ward is considered "middle class", and believe me, the economy lately has taken its toll on the middle class the most. Food prices have gone up 8.5% in the last YEAR alone. As far as my family and my budget, we have one, and I wish we could stick to it. But then all these "things" come up, like new shoes, or doctor bills, or car repairs, etc. etc. We can pay for the "normal" stuff, but forget the extra stuff, or anything like a savings account or food storage are out of the question. The sad thing is I graduated in finance. I know that in a couple of years things will get better for the economy-it always does-and until then we just need to scrimp better and be as vigilant as we can. (That "we" is "me", FYI.) Just don't give up.

And tithing...yeah, there are times that I'm writing out the check, and think, man, what I could do with that money... But I wouldn't for a second NOT write that check to the Lord. Look up 3 Nephi 24:10. Basically the Lord is challenging us ("prove me"). The blessings may not be receiving money elsewhere, or we may not even see the blessings right now, but they are there, or will be there. Trust the Lord, and He will help you out.

So, I guess I could have just written "hang in there, things will get better" instead of this novel, but oh well. I hope you feel better, and know that people are pulling for you.

tonksfam said...

I've never thought of you as a bad member or a bad mother! I just got through a heavy spiritual trench myself - the deepest I think I've ever been. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but let me tell you from experience (and recent experience at that) that the blessings will come.

Being a good member has nothing to do with questions, the past, or anything like that. That's the adversary working on you. Remember "Satan don't kick no dead dog." If you feel like he's working harder on you than usual, there's a reason, and it usually means you're scaring him. Hold strong and get blessings as often as you need, and you'll eventually see strength come from it.

I'll be praying for you, as one mother for another, and one sister for another. We've all got to strengthen each other :)

Renee' said...

Mary I am so sorry you are hurting right now. I know that I am one of those people who you figured would be upset w/this post, but I'm not. I realize that you both want more children and it's just not happening right now for you. You know I love you and you are not a terrible member. HOW DARE YOU SAY or THING THAT. I have always admired how strong you are. Every time we talk about the church, you bring the Spirit in so strongly. I know that you and Eric are praying about what to do next and I know that you are both blessed w/inspirations and answers. I am in the same boat as far as wanting to add to our family and it's not happening the way I want it to. Whatever happens you will always have Baeya and Ethan and I know that you know that. I love you and don't judge you. You have every right to feel the way you do.

Amanda Impett said...

Mary I love you and I consider you a good mother and a good member of the church it is normal to have doubts and spiritual lows as for having a "past" who cares what matters is who you are now besides the Lord looks on the heart. All I can say about money is that things are tough all around so I can't be more help I guess this is one of those times where the saying it takes faith to pay tithing is true because it really does. Mary, you are probably thinking that I would be one of those upset by your post because I haven't as of yet been blessed to have children of my own but I'm not. The ache to have another child is strong no matter whether you have been blessed with one or two or none and especially so since I know your struggles....what has been helping me is losing weight for some reason it is helping to regulate my hormones more have you also considered naturopathic options or seeing a naturopathic dr just a suggestion. Hang in there and remember hon if you need a shoulder to cry on I'm always there for you no matter what and you know what stop comparing yourself to those around you they just might have the same issues and problems as you they just put on a good show so be the best you and don't worry about it. Hugs to you and your family!!!!

Nicole Campbell said...

Mary, I could write you a long thing about Christ loving you and giving you things in life as a test and blah blah blah...but you know me way better than that.
What you are going through is hard and sucks. You never understand why you have to experience those things and other don't you feel. Even if you know someone is going through it or worse it doesn't feel the same.
So all I can say is that I love you and I am here for you. And you can call me anytime to tell me how mad you are or how frustrated you are. I won't be there to heal you or tell you how to fix it. I will be there to understand and listen and tell you that I love you! You are my best friend of all time and all I want for you is to be happy! LOVE YOU TONS!!!

Zoe said...

Hey Mary, I just read your blog and a lot of the things I was going to write other people have already written. I did want to say that no one is perfect, I know I'm not. I think we look at others sometimes and think they have it all but we don't see they're day to day struggles, we just see their church face, you know what I mean? Anyway I know life is hard sometimes, more money would always be nice, children that listen and don't drive you nuts would be nice, being able to get pregnant as easy as your neighbour would be nice but sometimes that's not how life goes, not for me either! There are always things that we want and for me it's hard to wait for those things because I'm really not a patient person. After I had a miscarriage before I had Hadley, it really helped me realise more that everything in our lives happen for a reason. When we're feeling low it's hard to see that but it's true. I know for me I want to see the answer and recieve those blessings straight away but God has his own time and even though we may think we're not getting what we want, we're probably getting what we need. Anyway I want you to know that I think you're great. I am no where near perfect, I get mad at my kids, you should have seen me the other night! I'm always here whenever you need to talk!!!